And finally from my Scottish Friend a piece of brilliance

This is something which was almost, but after a bit of discussion and thought, not posted to Scottish Unionist's thread onSuppressed anti-Englishness.

Clearly it doesn't belong there, because that's turned into a serious and lengthy discussion, while this is just a bit of tongue-in-cheek hooliganism. Nonetheless, it does illustrate some of SU's points about the fairly unique nature of British national identity.

This isn't new - you'll have seen it knocking around before - but I've added a Scotland-specific coda.

For those who are offended all I'd like to say is: Hee!

"European Terror Alert Status Update

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the British and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade Several Neighbouring Countries" and "Lose".

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Meanwhile in Edinburgh, the devolved SNP Government has also been forced to respond. After initially declaring that it could not do anything because it lacked the full portfolio of policy levers available to an independent state, it has now declared that it has delegated the matter to its local councils via a "Historic Concordat" which does not actually commit them to do anything, but serves the purpose of deflecting any blame away from the SNP.

Well-placed sources indicate that more robust measures have been discussed, but these depend on funding being available from something called the "SFT", which unfortunately does not exist.

The same sources indicate that in the last resort, First Minister Salmond will communicate directly with any terrorists, blaming their grievances on the English and quisling, traitorous, lickspittle Scottish unionists, and beg them to restrict their activities to south of the border."